Throughout my childhood, the only constant wish I secretly carried was being married to a loving and caring man. I am an only child brought up by a single mother. Growing up without a father and practically no family made me fantasise about such thoughts.
I fell in love at the age of 18 to my college sweetheart (we were from different colleges and met at a swimming class). My experience in men was limited, having studied in a convent school. In the first three years of college, I didn’t interact with a lot of guys. So meeting this guy and realising I was in love with him was like a fairy tale romance for me.
Little did I realise that all fairy tales eventually end, so after 11 long years I decided to end it. The relationship had fizzled out and had died a long time back but I still kept lingering onto it for fear of being miserable of dealing with the immense and excruciating pain of losing the most important person in my life. I was ‘hanging on’ to what I thought was still love because I was scared of being alone.
Sadly, many people are in lifelong relationships where love fades away and it’s nothing but a companionship of conveniences without growing in its inner dimensions. That is something I didn’t want. For me love is eternal, love is meant to make me grow, love is meant to make me feel safe and secure, love is meant to give me the power to renew myself and most of all love is fidelity. I wanted a love that is real, love that is emotionally quenching, love that is …….. well Love. I know I’m being silly and naive, but a girl can dream can’t she?
So when I was 31 I found myself single. I kept myself busy most of the time, but when I was not busy, the loneliness and the pain hit me hard. I was raw and vulnerable.
Eventually, I found the greatest gift of all – Loving myself first. When we love someone, we forget that not only should we always place ourselves first but it is also about being loved back equally. Ever thought how can someone else enjoy our company if we ourselves can’t spend an evening with us alone. Taking a break and being single was a great way to begin the self-healing process. It takes time, but I realised that I have to take charge of my life and most of all get over of being in the constant feeling of being unloved.We can always find love in the form of friends, pets, books, work etc.
As writer Paulo Coelho said, “Close the door, change the record, clean the house ………. stop being who you were! Become who you are.”