And The Pendulum Swings

Being brought up by a toxic mother I had always been a loner since she didn’t approve of any friends and I didn’t know how to nurture a friendship. My mother is a Narcissistic Person, who not only dominated me but emotionally abused me too, as a result I ended up turning into a couch potato watching plenty of films and reading fictional books which got me to become an obese child. 

At an early age I started showing symptoms of C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Disorder) due to which I visualised about an alter life one in which I would be safe and loved (one of the symptoms of C-PTSD)

I found love or rather I thought I had found love when I was 18; it turned out to be another emotional abuse. My mom’s reaction to this was absurd and crazy like all Narcs, and after a few years I realised the man I loved was a chauvinist, cheater, a bully and a philanderer. I could not leave my mom for mom and me are a unit, or so I used to believe at that time and I could not leave my boyfriend because I was emotionally attached to him and his family (as I had always yearned for a family) that made it all the more difficult to leave him. 

Hence, I was caught up between my mom’s neurotic behaviour and my man’s transgressions. It took me 11 excruciating years to realise that loving someone just isn’t enough if you aren’t receiving the same love in return. It’s like putting work into an old, broken-down car. No matter how much sweat and tears you put into it, it will never be the same again.

If I would not end it I would have lost myself or my life. The saddest part was until that time toxicity was all I knew, and for me that was ‘normal’ however my instincts kept telling me what was happening was not right and I needed to get out of it. It stops here with me and I ended it.

The pain was unbearable and to make matters worse within three months my ex married on the same day we were going to marry and that broke me emotionally. Something died in me that day. I tried everything I could to distract myself. I figured that if I didn’t think about it, the pain would eventually disappear. It didn’t. So, I worked around the pain, I built my life around it. There is nothing that can take the pain away but eventually you will find a way to live with it. There will be nightmares, and every day when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think about, Until one day it will be the second thing. 

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